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Failboat Captian
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As you all (probably) know, I have triplets. They are 3 1/2 now, and I just finished making the girl's "big girl" beds. They moved into them this week. I haven't even started my son's bed yet, but we have the mattress.

My wife had been watching Oprah :)rolleyes: ) as she always does, and was all distraught about the story of Americans having hard times due to the economy & such.

Last night, wife gets an email (spam/mass email) from a local group of Mothers of Multiples regarding an indigent mother of newborn triplets who is in need of stuff.

Before consulting with me at all, she promises all three of our cribs and our triplet stroller (and a few other odds & ends) to this person. As I start to gather more info, it turns out this woman is from Etheopia, is not married and is homeless, living with a friend or relative.

I have three issues:
1- I was not consulted
2- This woman is more than likely not a US citizen, but someone who saw the opportunity to come to the US and have her babies so that they would be born in the US even though the mother is not a legal resident.
3- The *resale* value of thses items is over $1000 (those triplet strollers with the seats and car seat bases are crazy expensive)

If the multiples group had asked for monetary contributions, there is no way she would have written a check for $1k, or even a couple hundred for that matter. Maybe $50-$100. But because it's stuff, not cash, she doesn't see it as the same. If this stuff were going to an American family who fell on hard times due to the economy, I might be able to look past the fact that she is willing to give $1000+ worth of stuff away (money which could go into our kid's education funds, which will most likely never get very well funded). But for someone who comes here and raids our tax dollars (having triplets and putting them in a NICU for a few weeks would probably run $100k), to then give them a lot of expensive stuff seems to be encouraging the practice. I'd be willing to bet there are a lot of hard working Americans who could use this stuff.

So, am I beeing a jacktard for being pissed about this and not wanting to follow through, or do you agree with my side?

I asketh the Lownje.
 

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Life Coach
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2,523 Posts
Being a ****? No. I think basing all your decisions on an us vs. them binary is sound reasoning.

// I can see having a problem with what your wife did . . . but not the problem you're having with it.
 

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Sticky Valentine
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28,404 Posts
Val_Garou said:
// I can see having a problem with what your wife did . . . but not the problem you're having with it.

This.


joe
 

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Registered
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335 Posts
Yea I would be pissed also - we donate stuff all the time and I would hope before we send out the baby stuff we talk about it.. How does she expect to get situated in the US will they be going back home and in that case where would the stuff go then?

Just wondering.. if she stays well there are many other issues for her..
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
Do you trust your wife to have your best interests in mind?

If yes, than you are in the wrong here.......if no, well, you have bigger problems


Len

Edit: BTW, I doubt you could sell that stuff for $1,000 used.
 

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Hermia commutes
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1,496 Posts
You can have a problem with your wife's lack of differential between used stuff and cash, and the inclination to give away more in stuff than she would in cash without consulting you first. But you can't get mad about who she gives to. That's somewhat insufferable.
 

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Just Plain Bitter
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8,602 Posts
I would have issue with my wife donating large ticket items such as this without consulting me. I don't think it matters who it is going to at this point as I would be focusing on the lack of communication. If the subject had been discussed I think I would have an issue of the "who" if this was proven to be a non documented person in the US specifically to have children and receiving benefits from an already overused welfare system. Just my .02 as that is what was asked for!
 

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Back from the dead
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20,626 Posts
I'm going with tool. You are making huge assumptions about the mother that seem to be based in your own biases rather than on any factual information.

In any case, it comes down this for me: There are three babies who need stuff their mother can't provide at the moment. You have stuff she needs that you apparently don't need any more. You can choose to help this mother raise her kids or not.

You, your wife, and this mother belong to a unique group of people: People who have triplets. From your experiences, I would think you would have a lot more empathy for her situation than you do. I have one kid and I know it's not easy. I can't imagine what three at the same time would be like.
 

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Jerkhard Sirdribbledick
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27,036 Posts
JohnnyTooBad said:
If this stuff were going to an American family who fell on hard times due to the economy, I might be able to look past ...
Yeah, you lost me there. What difference does it make where she comes from? If she's in need, she's in need. Likely an American in need would still be "raiding" your tax dollars.

Sorry, JTB. Still love ya, tho.
 

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Failboat Captian
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6,527 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Len J said:
Do you trust your wife to have your best interests in mind?

If yes, than you are in the wrong here.......if no, well, you have bigger problems


Len

Edit: BTW, I doubt you could sell that stuff for $1,000 used.
In situations like this, she tends to act on pure emotion. It has nothing to do with who's best interest.

As for the value of stuff, look up a Triple Decker stoller. Also look up Morgeau Lapine (sp???) cribs and baby furniture. The stroller is about $800 new, and they easily sell for $400-$500 used. Plus, I have outfitted ours with bike seats, so it will work for kids from newborns up to 4 years old. The seats that are standard with it are Evenflo car seats with bases. New, all of this stuff together would be $3k+. Selling used at 1/3 of new is normal.

Okay, I get it. I'm just being a jerk. I think what got me, is that this whole thing kicked off with her getting all emotional about families being hit hard by the economy. I was all for donating stuff to a family like that. It irked me that she would then ignore that and donate all this stuff to someone who is not even a permanent resident, and most likely doesn't have a visa beyond a temporary medical or visit.

////edit: BTW, thanks for calling me out. I wonder if the economy isn't affecting my mindset. We're a single income family, and I sometimes get scared with "There but for the grace of God, go I" scenarios. And myabe I look for reasons to be cheap, even when I don't need to and don't realize I'm doing it.
 

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Large Suburban Male
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3,599 Posts
mohair_chair said:
I'm going with tool. You are making huge assumptions about the mother that seem to be based in your own biases rather than on any factual information.

In any case, it comes down this for me: There are three babies who need stuff their mother can't provide at the moment. You have stuff she needs that you apparently don't need any more. You can choose to help this mother raise her kids or not.
Although I agree with you about being pissed at the Mrs for not running this by you, I'm kind of leaning towards tool, too.

It seems your biggest issue for you is your assumption that ''This woman is more than likely not a US citizen, but someone who saw the opportunity to come to the US and have her babies so that they would be born in the US even though the mother is not a legal resident.

If you had said that you had a problem with the items not being donated locally, or that you had promised them to someone else, I'd be with you. You lost me, though when you went all xenophobe.
 

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Opus was just napping
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mohair_chair said:
I

You, your wife, and this mother belong to a unique group of people: People who have triplets. From your experiences, I would think you would have a lot more empathy for her situation than you do. I have one kid and I know it's not easy. I can't imagine what three at the same time would be like.
I would guess it is a lot like Dante's 7th circle if your lucky.
 

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still shedding season
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8,849 Posts
JohnnyTooBad said:
Okay, I get it. I'm just being a jerk. I think what got me, is that this whole thing kicked off with her getting all emotional about families being hit hard by the economy. I was all for donating stuff to a family like that. It irked me that she would then ignore that and donate all this stuff to someone who is not even a permanent resident, and most likely doesn't have a visa beyond a temporary medical or visit.
No, you're being cautious. That's a good balance for an emotional type, and I'm the one who usually is in trouble for giving stuff away. Well, not trouble, more like questioned or something like that. You had a plan for it (probably her too) but then the plan changed. What's done is done, and whoever/whatever agency is helping this woman from Ethiopia out while she's here (however long that is) has quite a bit they're dealing with too.
 

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I agree. I knew many African immigrants when I lived in the US, and would suggest it would be very difficult to be an illegal from that continent. It isn't like the US shares an open border with any African nations. If you don't like the US immigration policies, take it up with your representatives--- but the African woman in question didn't write the laws. As for raiding US tax coffers, my guess is that having triplets was not in her plans, either. Maybe in your mind she should have aborted them?

If you had triplets, my guess is that people GAVE you all sorts of clothing and kid stuff. That is a huge assumption on my part, but I know our situation. We have bags of hand-me-down clothing. This isn't need based--- it is just that people don't know what to do with "stuff."

My guess is there isn't a huge market for triple strollers--- regardless how much they are "worth." They also take up a lot of space--- and with three kids, my guess is your space is rapidly shrinking.

Finally, think about good will and karma.

mohair_chair said:
I'm going with tool. You are making huge assumptions about the mother that seem to be based in your own biases rather than on any factual information.

In any case, it comes down this for me: There are three babies who need stuff their mother can't provide at the moment. You have stuff she needs that you apparently don't need any more. You can choose to help this mother raise her kids or not.

You, your wife, and this mother belong to a unique group of people: People who have triplets. From your experiences, I would think you would have a lot more empathy for her situation than you do. I have one kid and I know it's not easy. I can't imagine what three at the same time would be like.
 

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Failboat Captian
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
kykr13 said:
No, you're being cautious. That's a good balance for an emotional type, and I'm the one who usually is in trouble for giving stuff away. Well, not trouble, more like questioned or something like that. You had a plan for it (probably her too) but then the plan changed. What's done is done, and whoever/whatever agency is helping this woman from Ethiopia out while she's here (however long that is) has quite a bit they're dealing with too.
Yeah, we do sort of balance out that way. I'm the Business/Finance person and she's the artist. If it were up to her, we'd give everything away; if it were up to me we'd never spend any money and she's be pulling two double trailers behind a bike.
 

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Premium Member
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Nothing wrong with your wife donating the stuff to a good cause (let's just assume for the sake of argument that it IS a good cause).

Something wrong with your wife not running it by you. The family likely needs to brush up on communication skills.
 

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I think your wife should have consulted you before she gave the stuff away but try to look at this way, how long would the stuff have sat there before before your wife "found" a needy American family to give it to? Our kid is going on 20 and I think his crib and other things are still in the attic...gonna have to haul that stuff to the dumpster one of these days. The point I'm trying to make is that your crib and stuff might sit there a long time before there is another opportunity for it to go to someone will get some use out of it.

I know where you're coming from on the needy immigrant issue though, I'm sick and tired of immigrants and minorities getting all the breaks. Our son is in college now and I'm paying 100% for everything and every time I hear one of the minority people at work bragging about their kid going to college on scholarship money it just burns me. Because my wife and I have been responsible all of our lives, live in and own a modest home, drive modest cars, $ in bank, good income...we get nada, unsubsidized loans and that's about it. The minority people at work are in the same income range as me, drive expensive cars, live in more expensive homes, obviously a higher debt to income ratio, probably nothing in the bank because they've been living high on the hog all their lives and because of their ethnic background, their kids get free college money! WTF is wrong with this picture???
 

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Failboat Captian
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
filtersweep said:
I agree. I knew many African immigrants when I lived in the US, and would suggest it would be very difficult to be an illegal from that continent. It isn't like the US shares an open border with any African nations. If you don't like the US immigration policies, take it up with your representatives--- but the African woman in question didn't write the laws. As for raiding US tax coffers, my guess is that having triplets was not in her plans, either. Maybe in your mind she should have aborted them?

If you had triplets, my guess is that people GAVE you all sorts of clothing and kid stuff. That is a huge assumption on my part, but I know our situation. We have bags of hand-me-down clothing. This isn't need based--- it is just that people don't know what to do with "stuff."

My guess is there isn't a huge market for triple strollers--- regardless how much they are "worth." They also take up a lot of space--- and with three kids, my guess is your space is rapidly shrinking.

Finally, think about good will and karma.
I didn't know that about African immigration policies. Interesting.

No. The only things we were given were normal presents from my relatives and some free meals brought by some of the multiples group mothers for the first couple of weeks after the kids came home. Not everyone is like Jon & Kate or that octuplet mother. People don't just hand you stuff because you have triplets. You learn to buy stuff at garage and consignment sales, go cheap on a lot of stuff and realize that college is not a birth-right (as much as I'd love to, putting 4 kids thorugh college and paying for 3 weddings is kind of far-fetched, as is retirement before 75). This is one of the reasons I tend to be pretty tight with money.
 

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Ethical Nihilist
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1,068 Posts
Not at all. Your wife is out-of-control, no doubt from hormonal imbalance brought on by the stress of multiple babies. You must assert your authority now, before it is too late, and show who wears the pants in the family. A night out with the boys would be a good start. Keep me informed.
 

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Failboat Captian
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Ricko said:
... how long would the stuff have sat there before before your wife "found" a needy American family to give it to?
I think this may be an underlying issue with my problem. I don't think it would have taken long at all. Lots of people out there in financial trouble, and lots of people having triplets ("lots" being a relative term). The cribs just got disassembled less than a week ago, and the stroller is still ready for use, but hasn't been used much due to it being winter. They could still ride in it. It may take a month or two, tops to get an email about another needy/destitute family having triplets.

Ricko - I realize it's totally un-PC, but you and I think a lot alike. It falls in line with not getting into a mortgage you can't afford, only to see the people who did, get bailed out, while you get the shaft for doing the right thing and lving within your means. (not to send this to PO or anything)
 
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