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What the what???
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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
For those who have matriculated beyond the advice of Beginner’s Corner...

1.) When delivering a snot rocket, it helps to do so while singing the three note jingle for:

in your head Snot Rock-ets! as you do... I should say, it helps you... the person behind you still thinks it’s totally gross.

2.) “Patchy Fog” is a pleasant meteorological euphemism for 100% humidity. Don’t be fooled, sheeple. Patchy fog evokes an image of strolling down a cobbled street in Merry Olde England with a comely strumpet on each arm. 100% humidity, on the other hand, connotes crotch rot in a god-forsaken jungle.

3.) Applying chamois cream is not the time for thoughtful introspection. One poorly timed, “Hmmmm.” while slathering butter on your junk can so easily be misconstrued as public lewdness.

Share your wisdom, lownje denizens. The next generation is counting on you.


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Schuylkill Trail Bum
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- ♫ Snot Rock-ets! ♫

- a comely strumpet on each arm

- slathering butter on your junk


Where else but here on the internet are you going to find such well curated NNC wisdom?
 

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Frog Whisperer
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40,888 Posts
- ♫ Snot Rock-ets! ♫

- a comely strumpet on each arm

- slathering butter on your junk


Where else but here on the internet are you going to find such well curated NNC wisdom?
I nominate opus for lounge sage in chief. All in favor say aye.
 

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What the what???
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12,757 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
4.) In a paceline, the order has nothing to do with speed or strength. It’s all about proximity to your last meal at Taco Bell. If it’s been a few days, you can pull at the front with reasonable safety. If you had a Burrito Supreme for lunch... expect your ass to stay at the back. Try to jump the line, and your friends will drop you like third-period French.

5.) Mold in your bottles??? Once a week or so, try swapping out your water with straight Everclear. Mold problem solved. Just make sure to invest in a good computer with GPS, so you can see where you rode once you sober up. Maybe a little extra cash for bail money...
 

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What the what???
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12,757 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

Trust me on this one.
I don’t know, Retro... that’s teetering precariously on being actually useful advice. :)


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Frog Whisperer
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If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

Trust me on this one.
THAT is a mistake a guy only makes 2 or 3 times
 

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What the what???
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12,757 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
6.) If your riding buddy is attacked by a spitting cobra, wrestle him to the ground and defecate on his eyes... or is it urinate??? Hmmm. Better do both. You might want to vomit on him also just to be safe.


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What the what???
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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
Speaking of suck...

7.) When you suck somebody’s wheel, the transitive law of STDs says you are technically sucking every wheel that they’ve ever sucked. That’s why instead of tire sealant I use spermicidal jelly and put condoms on all my valve stems. You can’t be too safe.


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What the what???
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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
8.) Worried about what to carry on your ride??? Don’t over-think it. The only tool you really need to carry on your bike is a loaded pistol. Just wave that at any other passing cyclist and they’ll be tickled pink to give you anything else you might need: a spare tube, a water bottle, a cell phone, cash, their bike, their spouse, etc.


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What the what???
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
9.) Cycling at high speed on the MUT is dangerous. To alleviate the stress, make a game out of it. Run over a jogger - 20pts. Mow down a baby in a stroller - 50pts.


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What the what???
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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
10.) If a motorist harasses you on the road, don’t engage them. Better just to take down their license plate number... bribe someone at the DMV for their address... and burn down their house while they’re sleeping. They’ll think twice before harassing another cyclist.


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Frog Whisperer
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And to think, I almost didn't open this thread because I prefer bibs to shorts.
 

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Schuylkill Trail Bum
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If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

Trust me on this one.
I second this one.

It took me a few times to work out the unfortunate physics involved before I stopped doing this.
 
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