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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As some of you may remember, I posted several months ago about my son getting his second DUI and my feelings about it and what i was going to do.

I had decided to let him deal with the consequences as an adult (He is 24) and not bail him out.

Well, today was the date of the trial. The prosecutor has the reputation of being a real Hard [email protected]@. My son has been visibly worried as the trial approached and had become resigned to his fate. Prior to the trial, the judge, the Prosecutor, the defense attorney and the 2 cops had a private conference......My son was left to ponder........

The verdict was a reduced sentence of reckless driving, 1 year probation and a small fine. Apparently, according to the defense attorney, the 2 cops came out on my son's behalf based on the way he has behaved both the night of the incident and in investigative conversations since. They believed that he was taking responsibility for his own actions, was not "blaming the messengers" and all in all they were impressed with the maturity and seriousness with which he seemed to be approaching the whole thing....the hard [email protected]@ prosecutor agreed wholeheartedly.

My son seems to have gotten the message....I want to believe that, but frankly, am sceptical that dodging consequences is in his own best interests. He and I had a real heart to heart after the verdict and, like I said, he seems to have got it......I pray that this "scare" is permanent.

Len
 

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Strained coccyx etc etc
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21,050 Posts
probation and a fine (and a record) are hardly "dodging consequences".

i think this is a good middle ground, including the time he spent in the lockup.
 

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Shirtcocker
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60,639 Posts
Good luck Len...if this didn't scare him then I don't know what would have. I really don't think that making him serve hard time would have been any more of a deterrent. If he comes before the same judge with 3 DUIS I don't think things will turn out so nicely though. Is your son still drinking? Don't answer if that's too personal though. Just curious.
 

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Fini les ecrase-"manets"!
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9,416 Posts
I think this is the best outcome you could have hoped for, really--he suffered plenty of angst in the run-up to the trial, and you had a chance to take a stand and talk with him about the situation, but he's not going to be totally hosed and go to jail.

What he makes of it is just that--what HE makes of it. You're doing the best you can, and it seems like you're taking solid steps.

So I guess congratulations, or whatever is appropriate in this instance.
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Bocephus Jones II said:
Good luck Len...if this didn't scare him then I don't know what would have. I really don't think that making him serve hard time would have been any more of a deterrent. If he comes before the same judge with 3 DUIS I don't think things will turn out so nicely though. Is your son still drinking? Don't answer if that's too personal though. Just curious.
I agree....& yes, he's still drinking, although less....he still thinks he can control the problem. He has "dabbled" in meetings, so he's at least starting to confront.

Len
 

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Gronk SMASH!
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1,973 Posts
I'm with the others, Len. The months of anxiety were certainly as bad as any 30-60 day sentence woulda been. Jail after it woulda just felt like work or passing time.
You're doing the right thing, keeping engaged while letting him be responsible for himself.
Just keep it up.
Good luck to both of you.
 

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Non non normal
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10,100 Posts
Perhaps it is the turning point. As we talked on the ride, you never know which ones decide to learn the "hard way".

It sounds like he learned enough at least to make the right choice about how to react to the situation. That in itself shows some discipline and thought. If he keeps thinking like that he will get on a roll.

Right now your recent threads about family and cancer are hitting painfully close to home.
 

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Banned
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2,302 Posts
is it supervised probation or "just don't get into trouble" probation?

is part of the requirements of probabation not drinking?

financially he's got cost of fine (sounds like it may be minor), cost of increased insurance.

best wishes, I know there are some of us here who have been there at least once.
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
jptaylorsg said:
I'm with the others, Len. The months of anxiety were certainly as bad as any 30-60 day sentence woulda been. Jail after it woulda just felt like work or passing time.
You're doing the right thing, keeping engaged while letting him be responsible for himself.
Just keep it up.
Good luck to both of you.
Your mouth to God's ear.

He has always led a "charmed" life........I worry that the message he will get is that he can always minimize the consequences.

Len
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
bigrider said:
Perhaps it is the turning point. As we talked on the ride, you never know which ones decide to learn the "hard way".

It sounds like he learned enough at least to make the right choice about how to react to the situation. That in itself shows some discipline and thought. If he keeps thinking like that he will get on a roll.

Right now your recent threads about family and cancer are hitting painfully close to home.
I hope so.


Hope all is well with you on both accounts.

Len
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Friction_Shifter said:
is it supervised probation or "just don't get into trouble" probation?

is part of the requirements of probabation not drinking?

financially he's got cost of fine (sounds like it may be minor), cost of increased insurance.

best wishes, I know there are some of us here who have been there at least once.
Supervised.

Don't know about drinking being part of the probation.

the other consequence he has is he hasn't driven since last September and now he has to go to the DMV and find out what this all means (reckless driving) vis a vis his license.

Len
 

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Banned
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6,360 Posts
Appreciate your feelings more than I did originally...

I think I moralized on this subject originally, something about the right thing being to let him face the consequences. At the time, neither of my kids (25 and 20) had had a comparable problem, so I was speaking theoretically.
Since then, one of them has flunked out of school, blown a big scholarship and run up $5000 in debt. We were so sure it was drug-related that it was a relief to learn she was just stupid and lazy....
No, actually it was a combination of easy credit and a summer job that brought her more than $200 a day in tips for a few weeks. She kept spending when the money stopped, then had to work longer hours to pay her bills and gradually sagged out of school.
We could pay the plastic off without much strain, and it was surprisingly hard not to do it. Instead, we co-signed for a student loan and watched while the wrote the checks to get out of debt. My wife (who's a retired teacher and knows the system) walked her through a readmission process, so she's back in school without the scholarship and on probation there as well as with me: "I love you more than my life, but you're legally an adult and if you're not headed toward somewhere I want you to be, I'm not paying for the trip."
I have no doubt we made the best decision we could under the circumstances, but it was surprisingly hard to do.
 

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Shirtcocker
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60,639 Posts
Cory said:
We were so sure it was drug-related that it was a relief to learn she was just stupid and lazy.....
oh man...I love the way you cut right to the point Cory! :D

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn't even notice she was there she called my name and I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming "MIKE! MIKE!"
And I go
"What? what's the matter?"
And she goes
"What's the matter with you?"
I go, "there's nothing wrong, mom."
And she goes
"Don't tell me that, your on drugs!"
And I go
"No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay. I was just thinking you know, why don't you get me a pepsi."
And she goes "no! You're on drugs!"
And I Go , "Mom, I'm okay, i'm just thinking."
And she goes, "No, you not thinking, your on drugs, normal people don't don't act in that way"
I go, "Mom, just get me a pepsi please, all i want is a pepsi."
And she wouldn't give it to me! all i wanted was a pepsi, just one pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me. just a pepsi!
 

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In need of sock puppet
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9,420 Posts
A lesson I've learned through the numerous therapy sessions with our son, is that accepting responsibility for one's mistakes is worth rewarding. It sounds like your son, in the eyes of the law, did an earnest job of showing that he took responsibility for the mistake. If his stand-up role was honest, it sounds like he may have learned two things. 1. The mistake shouldn't be repeated (sounds like he's closer to figuring that one out) 2. Not trying to shift the blame for that mistake was to his benefit.
 

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Motorator
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4,166 Posts
Trust your intuition.

Cory said something worth internalizing, that your love won't be paying for any of his trips that go places where you don't want him to be. At some point you've got to make this clear not only to him, but to yourself. Don't be a wingle-wangler like your son is with alcohol - the next time, if there is one soon, be with him more in spirit and let him face life the way he, as the adult he is, has made it for himself.

BTW, Cory also said that was hard to do. It is.
 
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