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Bored beyond belief.
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A buddy of mine just proposed a scaled RAAM contribution schedule in addition to the generous donation he just made to HDSA. He admitted that it's not complete, and he invited me to come up with additional criteria. I'm fairly certain you'll want to weigh in. Here's what turd-fer-brains wrote: (By the way, the trackstand thingie with the teenage girls has, um, a "history.").....

My plan is to sponsor you @ a buck a mile for whatever you ride personally. I figure 1/4 of 3k is $750. So there abouts depending on how much of the load you pull. Get to training b!tch. And no whining about climbing miles vs. descending miles or headwinds. The following bonuses will also apply per occurrence and only apply if you are actually riding the bike (vs. a support vehicle) at the time they occur unless otherwise stated:

Flat tire: $10
Broken spoke: $10
Taco'd wheel: $50
Over-the-handle bars crash: $100
Road rash: $10/sq inch
Broken bones: $100 for the first bone, $50 for each additional
Bird/bat strike: $75
Stung by wasp/bee: $25; if it induces a reaction and you require treatment at an ER $100
Running over any member of the ground squirrel family (gopher, prairie dog, chipmunk etc...): $50
Crashing into livestock (cow, hog, sheep, alpaca, emu etc...) $50
Crashing into the back of your support vehicle: $50
Blown over by cross wind: $50
Torquing out and falling over on a hill climb: $25
Successful track stand: $10/completed 30 second period
Track stand resulting in falling over (hip or knee must contact the ground): $25, if witnessed by 4 or more women age 16 to 25: $50
ER visit for any friction-related ass ailment (saddle sores, 'roid, bleeding chaffage etc... and it has to be an actual ER visit, road side treatments don't count): $75
Naked daytime riding:$10/mile*
Riding in Pam's bra and panties (must be a thong) -- anytime day or night, no other clothing permitted; bra & thong only: $25/mile *
Pam driving a support vehicle naked: $2/mile (maximum of 150 miles) *
Hummer in the Winnebago, while it's in motion, from Pam: $25; from other girl(s) while Pam watches: $50 *
Impregnating Pam during the ride (requires verification from two doctors and SeaBass doesn't count): $1000
Riding your bike through the McDonald's drive through and asking for directions to Burger King (or vice versa): $25
Tits flashed at you by people not on your support team: $25
Beers (12 oz) consumed while on the bike: $10
Tequila shots (1oz) consumed while on the bike: $15
Stopping on the bike and pissing mid-span off a bridge with a height of over 300ft above the lowest point below it: $50
Stopping your bike and bowing before the gates of Graceland: $50 *
Beer can thrown at you, (but not hitting you) by people not on your support team: $25
Hit by beer can thrown at you by people not on your support team: empty: $50, unopened $100
Hit by egg thrown at you by people not on your support team: $25
Firearm fired at you by people not on your support team: $100
Swore at/flipped off by a person in a car (& not on your support team) with any Jesus/Christian bumper stickers or fish: $25
Stopped by police during the ride while on the bike: $50
Arrested by police anytime during the event: $250
Rest stop at a brothel: $50
Reaching me by phone with a naked hooker on your lap: $100 *
Having Pam reach me by phone with a naked hooker on her lap: $200*
Visual contact with a tornado anytime during the event: $50
Encountering poison ivy/oak/sumac resulting in a rash anytime during the ride: $25
Being left behind by the support vehicles at a rest stop anytime during the event: $50

* photo verification required
 

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Strained coccyx etc etc
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21,050 Posts
i was having one hell of sh*tty night and you just made it 1,000 times better.

good timing.

this is one of THE funniest things i've ever seen.

:D
 

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Bored beyond belief.
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1,257 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
J, I just hit him up for the first installment.

I got taken out by a chick on a beach cruiser while hammering along today at lunch. She turned into me and squarely t-boned me, sending me ass over beer bottle, landing on my noodle (crushing my Pneumo), and rolling into a seated position, where I remained still while I waited for the pain to ensue. The best part was that the crash interrupted two kids making out in a parked car next to the bike trail.

So, I look like modest hamburger (okay, tofuburger for you), my Serotta is a bit scuffed, my helmet is toast, but my Ipod surived in tact.

Hot damn.
 

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Strained coccyx etc etc
Joined
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21,050 Posts
sn69 said:
I got taken out by a chick on a beach cruiser while hammering along today at lunch. She turned into me and squarely t-boned me, sending me ass over beer bottle, landing on my noodle (crushing my Pneumo), and rolling into a seated position, where I remained still while I waited for the pain to ensue. The best part was that the crash interrupted two kids making out in a parked car next to the bike trail.

So, I look like modest hamburger (okay, tofuburger for you), my Serotta is a bit scuffed, my helmet is toast, but my Ipod surived in tact.

Hot damn.
this is great practice for RAAM. :)

you should probably recruit two or three of your "best friends" to kick your ass real good once per week. ;)
 

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Bored beyond belief.
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1,257 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Huh? Can't hear 'cause I'm jamming

to Dave Edmunds at the moment.

Nah, Ipod or not, she had my number today.

More compellingly, WEAR YOUR DAMNED HELMETS PEOPLE. Alas, the Pneumo gave its life for me.
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
That could have been ugly.......

sn69 said:
I got taken out by a chick on a beach cruiser while hammering along today at lunch. She turned into me and squarely t-boned me, sending me ass over beer bottle, landing on my noodle (crushing my Pneumo), and rolling into a seated position, where I remained still while I waited for the pain to ensue. The best part was that the crash interrupted two kids making out in a parked car next to the bike trail.

So, I look like modest hamburger (okay, tofuburger for you), my Serotta is a bit scuffed, my helmet is toast, but my Ipod surived in tact.

Hot damn.
glad you're OK

It's wearing that IPod dammit....I told you you couldn't hear sheet!

Len
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
I buried an ATMOS.....

sn69 said:
to Dave Edmunds at the moment.

Nah, Ipod or not, she had my number today.

More compellingly, WEAR YOUR DAMNED HELMETS PEOPLE. Alas, the Pneumo gave its life for me.
about a month ago.

Damn it happens fast, doesn't it?

len
 

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Bored beyond belief.
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1,257 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I saw her make the turn and realized I couldn't dodge her.

I heard two people shout who, humorously enough, were making out in a parked car next to us. I hit, the world went upside down, I felt the sickening crunch of the helmet as it compressed while I did a quick 1980s breakdance headstand move, and then I was sitting up with my legs splayed.

Very fast indeed.

As a general rule, I never ride without a helmet. Yesterday afternoon I saw a guy immediately after a car hit him. It was chilling. I inquired with a friend in that local fire department, and the gentleman was alright, albeit shaken and bruised. Still, helmets and other protective gear save lives. Point blank. Take it from a goon who flies for a living--wear your PPE (biking, skiing, climbing, boating,...whatever). This is the second helmet that has gone to the hearafter on my behalf.
 

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Genitive Declensioner
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12,146 Posts
sn69 said:
Still, helmets and other protective gear save lives. Point blank. Take it from a goon who flies for a living--wear your PPE (biking, skiing, climbing, boating,...whatever). This is the second helmet that has gone to the hearafter on my behalf.

Amen. Two fine helmets have taken one for the team (me) and for that they have my eternal gratitude. R.I.P......
 

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Registered
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5,524 Posts
Glad you're fine. You are right about how fast those spills happen. In one of my last ones, a slip on black ice, didn't get halfway through the thought "Oh sh!t" between the time the slip started & I was sliding on my hip.

Your gymnastic feat suggests that your friend should also kick-in 10% on the bonus schedule for any bonus events that happen during training, except bonus events involving Pam, which should be paid at 100% even during training.
 

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Bored beyond belief.
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1,257 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Hmmm

PdxMark said:
Your gymnastic feat suggests that your friend should also kick-in 10% on the bonus schedule for any bonus events that happen during training, except bonus events involving Pam, which should be paid at 100% even during training.
This brings to mind the Prefontaine Maneuver--upside down nekkidt gymnastics, only it's wise not to split one's toes open.
 

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Scott,

Glad your okay.

Listen, doesn't the RAAM pass through Kentucky or Indiana?

If so, just let me know, and I can help with any of those fund raising items.

You know - throwing eggs, shooting at ya, etc. etc. (well, maybe not the hookers, but I could try)

Just want to do my part. :D
 
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