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Adventure Seeker
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If you've read my post about child custody, then you know where this is headed.
Many years ago, I was married and had a wonderful daughter. Before her, I thought I'd never want children. I was fully convinced of this thought until she came along. What a 180-degree turnaround that was for me. Although I was in my young 20's at the time, and not as mature as I am now, I was still committed to raising my family.
This, however, was not meant to be, thanks to my ex-wife. We moved to Colorado, and she changed overnight. She would send our daughter home to Texas so her parents and sister could watch after our daughter. She started going out, staying out til 4 in the morning most nights. So there I was at home, alone, on most nights. I gave up, and moved back to Texas. Right about that time (not sure), she got pregnant. I attribute her behavior partly to the fact that she was pakistani raised in England under strict parents who would not allow her to date or have virtually any social life. Once out of her parent's grasp, she chose then to sow her wild oats.
So she filed for divorce, which I didn't partake in due to depression. Heck, my depression was so bad that I gave up cycling at the time. Yeah, it really was bad.
I've always tried to be a part of my daughter's life, but my ex wouldn't support our relationship. When I would call, she wouldn't answer. I hardly got to see her. In the beginning, it was due to depression, but later on because of her lack of desire to make our daughter's life full.
I've had to threaten legal action in order to get to see my daughter. When she moved out of state last week, my daughter came to live with me. She wanted to stay here, mostly because of friends, as our relationship is more of a lack of a relationship. I knew it'd be a big change. I'd let her have a social life whereas her mother doesn't. I'd put more real discipline in her life in things like no internet past a certain time, having chores around the house, no gauges in her ears. Of course, being 15, she wasn't too pleased with some of the changes, and decided her mother's lack of parenting was better than someone trying to do what's best for her. So she told her mother that she wants to go back. I tried explaining why I did the things I did, but I wasn't trying to force her to stay.
So last night, I took her to get driven out of state by her other part of the family. The thing is, I don't think she'll ever come down again. It's her mother's responsibility to fly or drive her down, but since she's out of state, it'll be too hard to get legal action. And she knows this.
She hurt me by screwing around, and she's hurt me by not supporting the relationship with my daughter. She's hurt me again by taking her away from me for what is possibly forever. But what's worse than all of that is that she's hurting my daughter by doing this. Chances are, my daughter will do the same thing she did when she gets out and gets married. I'm amazed how she once was a caring person, but now a selfish and spiteful person.
So now, there is a hole in my life. And here I am, sharing it with the lounge. None of whom I know personally. At least I'm still riding this time. Haven't been doing good these last 2 days, but not sure whether it's due to the situation, or this blazing heat.
 

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Frog Whisperer
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I am so sorry......really......that sucks so bad
 

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Jerkhard Sirdribbledick
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That's a horrible situation and I'm sorry to hear about it.

Just a thought: Couldn't you move to Texas to be closer to your daughter? You might be able to forge a relationship with her without necessarily having custody.
 

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hang in there, and do your best to stay in touch with your daughter. in a few years, she may develop some perspective...that you were trying to do the right thing for her (and keep this in mind for your own benefit). kids can change their views alot from 15 to 18 to 20 or so.
 

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I'm very sorry that things have unraveled in such a way.

I'm no counselor, but it seems that there's two "dimensions" to all this: being a parent, and being her father. As a parent, you're in disagreement with her character and who/where she's growing to be. As a father...well, you can't change being so.
 

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Misfit Toy
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23,428 Posts
Dammit, I'm sorry Peanya. It's not fair. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Keep talking, let her know you love and support her.
 

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Windrider (Stubborn)
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22,021 Posts
That stinks, but........now you have some hard choices to make.

How much do you really want to be In her life?

The only thing you can control right now is your own actions. Think about that. So what are you going to do to stay connected to her?

I've been where you are and it's damn easy to be depressed about it. It's damn easy to wallow in the unfairness of it, but that isn't doing anything to help you be the father in your daughters life you want to be.

Your actions will tell her how committed you are to your relationship with her.....no woods will. So what things will you do today, and tomorrow and the next day and every day of her life that makes it certain to her that you want the absolute best for her and that she is the most important thing to you?

It will be the hardest thing you will ever do, especially if the foundation you have has to be rebuilt, but the good news is that you already have been forced to lose the relationship you had....so what are you going to work on changing?

I'll tell you what got me through this..........I found a guide...a counselor that helped me analyze my actions and helped me align them with my desires. My kids were worth that.

23 years later, I'm proud of the relationship I have with my kids....but it has been very hard. But worth every frustration.

Whine to as, but act.....to be the father you want to be.

Youo can do this.

Reach out if we can help.

Len
 

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No hero that's understood
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I'm really sorry to hear this.

I don't have much other than to say make sure you do what you need to do to keep the depression at bay. Excercise, medication, counseling, whatever it takes. You need to keep your wits about you if you intend to find an acceptable solution.

It doesn't seem like it today, and I have very little to offer, but in time you will find a way to reconnect with your daughter if that is your desire.
 

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Stumpcake!
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I so sorry to hear this Peanya. I think Len is spot on with his advice. You're in our thoughts and prayers.
 

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Crusty AF
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1,215 Posts
That stinks. Divorce is bad enough (3 years later, and mine still bothers me sometimes, though no kids for us), but I really feel for your situation with your daughter.

When my parents separated, I was about the age she is now. I chose to stay with my dad, mainly for the same reasons your daughter seems to be moving - my mom was always the disciplinarian, and dad was more hands-off. Then high school ended, and I went away to university. Over the years though, my mom and I have become much closer while my dad and I have drifted apart.

Every relationship is different, and each one has their reasons for the ebbs and flows. Just don't give up; this is a lifelong relationship and the hard parts now may end up just being a memory down the road.
 

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haole from the mainland
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5,962 Posts
I'm sorry Peanya. Remember that your daughter is an immature teenager. Just keep the lines open. Let her know you're a rock that'll always be there.
 

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eminence grease
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You really have to hang on to the thought that once your daughter grows up and figures a few things out that she will want to know you. I can't tell you how many of my friends have had that experience - one day the kid just calls and they build something new.

The key thing is if you want that, you will have to do all the work in the interim. Call regularly, if she won't talk to you - write letters. They may well go in the trash, but the important point is that no one will ever be able to say you didn't make an effort.

I let my girls leave the state when they were in their early teens. I didn't want to but I felt it was better for their education and I honestly needed some space between my ex and me. I did not do a great job of staying in contact, but I did the best I could and today we at least have a decent relationship. I even had them out individually this year to see me in China. Something I never would have predicted 5 or 10 years ago.

It's a tough thing, but it comes down to whether you can bear the pain of keeping the spark alive or whether you simply have to let her go. I know fathers who have made both choices and neither is right or wrong. It simply depends on how much you can take and how important it is.
 

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I feel so sad for you, this tears at me as well, parents need to know, whether divorced or not, that a child needs both parents and parents will support the child and do what's best for the child and not have a war with the child in the middle. I don't know your personal situation and every child is different, but if it's at all possible maybe you should move to where the child in Texas. If you were me with my situation I would move without giving it a second thought, my job is second to my family, but I can't speak for you. Otherwise sometimes the best show of love is to let go, however you have rights, and those rights are to call the your child and be able to talk to her without the ex hanging up or refusing to let you talk to your own child. A lawyer may be necessary to legally slap your ex around.

Going by what you told us, children today need to have responsibilities, and show that by being part of the family by helping out. That is no way out of line. Don't kick yourself and think that maybe you shouldn't have had her do chores...thats ridiculous, it's part of growing up.

There will be coming a time, if you don't move, that she will come back to you, but you will have to wait for that time.
 

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Bikespace member
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sorry to hear how this situation unfolded for you. as len said, we can't control what others do, only what we do. what you do now will affect what happens down the road. i grew up with divorced parents that didn't always get along. i lived with my mom, but my dad was always around. you don't always appreciate that as a teen, but as an adult i realize i was lucky.
 

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Part of the reason I have not had children was and is what you have expressed here tonight. I like to present as a strong man to the world......truth? this type of situation would shake me to the core and knock me to my knee's. I would question myself and self doubt would run amuck about a lot of things. In my experience depression is sometimes rooted in anger being turn inwards. If you have access to friends who are listeners, ask them to listen. If you do not, resource someone. Vent. What you have started here in this forum is great. I respect that step. Make no mistake, this is now about you. What you decide will impact everything else.
Some of what I have read above reminds me of something I have heard from time to time which may apply to you and your child. " I could not believe how stupid my father was when I was between the ages of 14 and 21. I am amazed at how much he has learned now that I am 22". Khalil Gibran wrote about the role of a parent "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth".
If you can find a way to strengthen your bow before your child is sent forth.......she will realize how much you have learned, soon enough.
Take care of you now so that you'll be there for her when she needs you, and something tells me she will.
Keep riding, keep reaching out. Now is your time to get some back.
 

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corning my own beef
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5,713 Posts
damn, Peanya, that's tough.

A couple folks have already summarized my sentiments, I won't repeat them again. As a dad, I can understand where you're coming from. If maintaining a healthy relationship with your daughter is really a priority for you, then move heaven and earth to make it happen. And good luck.
 

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gazing from the shadows
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27,291 Posts
Peanya said:
Haven't been doing good these last 2 days...

If you had, you'd be a really messed up person.

Keep in mind that things do change. Things changed for you in the past, and things will change in the future. Be ready for that. Well, be ready for that to happen, I doubt you can actually be ready for what happens.

I wish I could say something useful for you, but if nothing else you are talking about it. That's good, you have a lot to work through. Get it worked out now, don't let it dig in and eat at you. Talking won't fix things, but it will make it easier to deal with them.
 

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Spicy Dumpling
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9,721 Posts
Sorry to hear Peanya. I can't add much to the conversation except that I went through a similar situation with the parents roles reversed. I now know the truth of what went on and my relationship with my mother, who was the one cheated out of my chidhood, became one of the joys of my life. Keep in contact with her and be there for her, she'll grow up in many ways, I believe that one of them will be to see the truth..

VA
 

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your text here
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sorry to hear this man.

the only thing i can offer up is maybe the wounds of your daughter are a bit too fresh now. she is at the rebellious age, and has an easy way to play her parents against each other. this may go on forever, but not to this extent.

try to stay in touch with her, but dont absorb yourself in doing so. easy to say, tough to do.
 
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