[Joe the biker]

My elderly mother-in-law was just diagnosed with cancer and faces surgery and a tough recovery. During the spring and summer I have been able to devote a significant amount of time riding. I usually spent 6-10 hours a weekend riding and also have 4 weekend cycling trips planned. My wife is the type that will be spending huge chunks of time looking after her parents whether they truly need it or not. How do you think I should handle my riding time? I will be always available to help my in-laws and wife when necessary, but do you think that I would be perceived as insensitive if I spent large chunks of time out having fun on my bike?

 

[LAW.S.T]

My elderly mother-in-law was just diagnosed with cancer and faces surgery and a tough recovery. During the spring and summer I have been able to devote a significant amount of time riding. I usually spent 6-10 hours a weekend riding and also have 4 weekend cycling trips planned. My wife is the type that will be spending huge chunks of time looking after her parents whether they truly need it or not. How do you think I should handle my riding time? I will be always available to help my in-laws and wife when necessary, but do you think that I would be perceived as insensitive if I spent large chunks of time out having fun on my bike?

you only have 1 family and plenty of time to ride

 

[NJBiker72]

Can you sign up for a charity ride to benefit cancer? We have a ride around here called Century for the Cure. Livestrong sponsors some as well.

You will win points with the in-laws and wife for doing something so thoughtful and relevant to them. But remember you need to train up to the ride.

 

[JCavilia]

You already know the answer, or you wouldn't have asked the question. Do what you know is right.

And spending time training for a cancer charity ride when someone in your family needs caring for (that includes doing more to take burdens off your wife while she's caring for her parents) would not gain points, IMHO, nor should it. I'm not saying they're entirely a bad thing, but charity rides are mostly about making the participants feel good, if you look at where the money mostly goes.

Maybe you'll just ride a little less this summer. There will be other summers.

 

[mikeyc38]

Agreed, Dude, you already know the answer to this. From your description the prognosis doesn't sound so good, so your sacrifice probably won't be too long anyways.

 

[mpre53]

With all due respect, this is an issue between you and your family, especially between you and your spouse.

 

[tlg]

My wife is the type that will be spending huge chunks of time looking after her parents whether they truly need it or not..... I will be always available to help my in-laws and wife when necessary

If they don't need your assistance, why should your life be put on hold?

but do you think that I would be perceived as insensitive if I spent large chunks of time out having fun on my bike?

No one here knows your family, so no way to know what they'll perceive.

IMO it's pretty selfish to expect others to change their life to take care of me. Especially if I don't need it. I'd feel bad if others had to give up what they like/need to do because of me.

 

[bayAreaDude]

Ask what you can do to help. If there's nothing for you to do, carry on.

 

[spade2you]

Ride your bike and show them who's boss.

 

[Donn12]

ride as much as you can, all things considered.

 

[fuzzy]

Ride to the in laws.

 

[Dave Cutter]

..... do you think that I would be perceived as insensitive if I spent large chunks of time out having fun on my bike?

Perceived? No... I think the word would be exposed.

I love cycling... it is my favorite self indulgence. But I can be happy without taking time for myself. But if I turn away from those I love and have built my life around... life could seem pretty crappy.

 

[Camilo]

How about just discussing it with the wife - telling her you'd like to ride as much as you can, understand that she and the fam need extra support, and please tell you what you can do and if she thinks you're riding too much.

 

[wabasso]

I cannot decide if the question is serious or not. If it is, well, there is not much to say.

 

[mikerp]

Why not ask your wife? If you don't you might be spending large chunks of time with a lawyer and giving you wife large chunks of your assets.

 

[JCavilia]

Perceived? No... I think the word would be exposed.

I love cycling... it is my favorite self indulgence. But I can be happy without taking time for myself. But if I turn away from those I love and have built my life around... life could seem pretty crappy.

Well said, Dave.

 

[wim]

Why not ask your wife? If you don't you might be spending large chunks of time with a lawyer and giving you wife large chunks of your assets.

Good idea. Keep in mind that not changing your recreational routine during trying times could mark you as someone who can't be relied upon when the going gets rough. Not a good thing in a serious relationship, IMO.

 

[ph0enix]

What's your gut telling you? I think I already know and I'm guessing you do too.
The truth is that you probably could find the time to do both if you really want to. This might mean making some sacrifices - for example getting up at 4 or 5am so you can get your rides in before your wife is up and ready to spend time with her mom ...and maybe forgoing a couple of the planned trips given the circumstances.

 

[nOOky]

Lots of factors that are missing. Are there other siblings, is her husband still alive, etc.? I would discuss this with the wife and not us. Personally, if she really needs my help I'm going to help. I'm not going to just sit there all day holding her hand and do everything for her if there are others to share the burden though.
If your wife likes to spend huge chunks of her time helping whether she needs it or not already, I don't see it getting better for you when her mother really needs help.

 

[JCavilia]

Personally, if she really needs my help I'm going to help. I'm not going to just sit there all day holding her hand and do everything for her if there are others to share the burden though.

Sometimes, sitting there all day holding her hand is what she really needs, even if she doesn't say so. And sometimes you're the only one who can do it. You have to figure it out. Life is hard sometimes.