Road Bike, Cycling Forums banner

1 - 20 of 47 Posts

·
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Joined
·
2,799 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
moving soon for work, she hasn't said where yet but I don't think she knows for sure yet either but I get the impression it's not going to be with a few hours drive of here. I've got custody of our 3 year old son but we've been splitting custody almost 50/50 through mutual agreement since February. She wants to talk about it tonight. I'm going to have to put my foot down because I'm the only one that's been there for him since he was born. Any advice for long distance visitation/custody of a toddler? I've got a lawyer but I'd rather not give him any more money. So far we've been able to work things out on our own without much difficulty.
 

·
Strained coccyx etc etc
Joined
·
21,050 Posts
if you have a custodial agreement, stick to it.

if the arrangement is modified, MODIFY THE CUSTODIAL AGREEMENT.

keep a copy of it at home, at work, in the car, on the bike, in your locker, under a rock in the back yard, and in the shower. keep a copy in a lockbox. keep one under your hat and sew one into the back of the waistband of your underwear.
 

·
Frog Whisperer
Joined
·
40,888 Posts
I'm going to suggest giving the lawyer some money
 

·
Frog Whisperer
Joined
·
40,888 Posts
and I haven't got an ex....and most days, if I did, she could HAVE custody...
 

·
Cheese is my copilot
Joined
·
3,876 Posts
A mediator would likely be cheaper than attorneys, and here at least that's how agreements can be modified. Sounds like you know that its important for your kid to see and have a relationship with his mom. My son lives with me during the school year, and sees his mom 2 of every 3 weekends as well as during the week on occasion. He lives with her during the summer.

Downside is that he can't participate in organized sports because he's not here for games, and soon enough he'll resent being gone for weekends. Those are issues you'll ultimately have to deal with.

There's no real good solution as far at the kid is concerned though. Only the best of some bad ones. It boggles my mind that any parent could move away from their kid at that age.
 

·
No hero that's understood
Joined
·
6,100 Posts
DLMKA said:
moving soon for work, she hasn't said where yet but I don't think she knows for sure yet either but I get the impression it's not going to be with a few hours drive of here. I've got custody of our 3 year old son but we've been splitting custody almost 50/50 through mutual agreement since February. She wants to talk about it tonight. I'm going to have to put my foot down because I'm the only one that's been there for him since he was born. Any advice for long distance visitation/custody of a toddler? I've got a lawyer but I'd rather not give him any more money. So far we've been able to work things out on our own without much difficulty.
I'm a little confused. Do you share custody 50/50 or have you been "the only one that's been there for him since he was born"?

Just curious because if she hasn't been involved in his life, I'd pretty sure she's not looking to be if she moves out of state. In that case, I'd think she'd be wanting to have the "Don't hate me because I'm moving away and abandoning our child" conversation.

If its 50/50 I'd prepare for something else.

Either way, talk to the lawyer.
 

·
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Joined
·
2,799 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I just got word from her that she is moving to WY. Part of me is jealous and would like to move to WY too. That's a long dang way to travel to get junior back and forth on even a semi-regular basis. WY is a week+ long family vacation for us, not a quick trip to drop a kid off with mama.
 

·
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Joined
·
2,799 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
q_and_a said:
I'm a little confused. Do you share custody 50/50 or have you been "the only one that's been there for him since he was born"?

Just curious because if she hasn't been involved in his life, I'd pretty sure she's not looking to be if she moves out of state. In that case, I'd think she'd be wanting to have the "Don't hate me because I'm moving away and abandoning our child" conversation.

If its 50/50 I'd prepare for something else.

Either way, talk to the lawyer.
She fell into a battle with depression/job/money troubles from when he was about a year old in which I had physical custody nearly 100% of the time. She moved back to town in January and started getting treatment for depression and when she was feeling better he started spending more time there to rebuild his relationship with mom. Now I feel that allowing that was a mistake.
 

·
Strained coccyx etc etc
Joined
·
21,050 Posts
q_and_a said:
Just curious because if she hasn't been involved in his life, I'd pretty sure she's not looking to be if she moves out of state. In that case, I'd think she'd be wanting to have the "Don't hate me because I'm moving away and abandoning our child" conversation.
38, almost 39 years on earth and i'm just now learning: logic doesn't always apply.

HTH.
 

·
eminence grease
Joined
·
18,538 Posts
You need to figure out what she wants and react specifically to that. Most CS agreements stipulate that the primary custodial parent cannot leave the state with the kid without the other parents consent. Despite having 50/50, one parent is usually the primary and that's almost always the mother.

The devil is in the details on this one, and the details are the wording of your custody agreement.

And since any changes to that will almost certainly require approval of a judge, you're going to need your attorney.

Find out what she wants, see how that stacks up against your agreement and get some intelligent advice.
 

·
i like whiskey
Joined
·
8,405 Posts
If you have primary custody of the child, then it is the responsibility of the parent with secondary custody to pick up the child and deliver the child at his primary residence for their visitation periods. If your ex moves to WY and she is secondary, then it's on her to come get the kid for visits unless you just want to be nice and meet her 1/2 way. If she doesn't want to exercise her visitation rights, that's on her.

That is how the standard visitation language is in TX. YMMV, big time.

+1000 on talking to the lawyer.
 

·
Done
Joined
·
4,509 Posts
DLMKA said:
I just got word from her that she is moving to WY. Part of me is jealous and would like to move to WY too. That's a long dang way to travel to get junior back and forth on even a semi-regular basis. WY is a week+ long family vacation for us, not a quick trip to drop a kid off with mama.
I'm not a family law attorney (I do banking/litigation), so take what follows as more barroom advice than legal advice. Plus, I don't know what your preferred resolultion is.

Go call your lawyer NOW before you talk with your ex. Seriously. Don't say something or agree to something tonight that you will regret (and possibly litigate over) later. It will be the best half hour you ever paid for (hookers and blow excepted, of course).

Barring that, I suspect that your default position should be "I have custody, and your decision to move far away isn't going to make me voluntarily change that." You are well established in your community, have good steady work, and are providing a stable environment for your son. A commuter custody arrangement would be expensive and disruptive for everyone, especially him. The end game might be arranging a deal where SHE can travel back into your neck of the woods to see Junior at regularly scheduled intervals on her dime.
 

·
Proud luddite
Joined
·
7,192 Posts
Dang, man....you are in a tough spot. I can't offer much more advice other than what has been said already. Just do what is best for the child. Try to set aside your differences with your ex and settle on an arrangement that will most benefit the child.

Ever see the movie "Kramer vs. Kramer"? Great film and very much like the situation you have. It's a gut-wrenching film, but a good one and one you may want to see. (Although I didn't at all like the way it ended.)
 

·
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Joined
·
2,799 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I'll find out what she wants and see if something can be agreed upon tonight. I don't mind helping out but I'm not going to burn up all my vacation and spend a fortune on travel because she wanted to move out west. I'm not getting or intend to get any of that pu$$y so there isn't anything in it for me to bend over backwards other than possibly a place to stay to go nnc'ing or skiing out there. I'm going have to dig out that custody agreement now.....
 

·
Squirrel Hunter
Joined
·
3,806 Posts
Priorities

DLMKA said:
She wants to talk about it tonight...
Well set the stage for the conversation by telling her you talked with your internet friends and all decisions should be evaluated based on what is in the best interest of the child.

Some simple questions ought to make her suddenly realize any fantasies of joint custody from a gazillion miles away is a folly:

1) How much time will she have to spend with the rugrat if she is just starting a new job?
2) How is she going to line up temporary daycare for the occasional times when the kid is there?
3) Will the new apartment/house have suitable living arrangements for a child or is it a one bedroom where the kid will not have a real place to "live" when visiting?
4) How does she propose working around the childs education?
5) Is she prepared to pay for the plane flight for the kid including the extra fee charged for a minor to be accompanied?
6) ...

Maybe start by putting her off for a while. After she realizes this aint some simple drive across town perhaps suggest she get settled into the new place and then start discussing details of visitation. This delay does a few things. First it puts off the decision. Second, gives her time to realize how important her freedom is compared to being a parent. Third, lets her realize how busy she is with her new life. Fourth, puts her far away from your court jurisdiction making it difficult for her to find and retain an effective attorney to represent her issues in court or to appear in court.

Now with all that said, spend some money on an attorney to get this done right and legal. Also be sure to ask yourself that the approach you take with this is in the best interest of the child.
 

·
Diphthong
Joined
·
4,986 Posts
Don't get too excited about visiting WY. The only good part is in the NW corner of the state. If she's not living there, WY isn't all that great.
 
1 - 20 of 47 Posts
Top