[moneyman]

Need some humor today. Share your favorite.

This guy walks into a bar and pulls up to the nearest stool. He orders a drink, then is approached by an attractive, scantily-clad young woman. He looks up at her and she smiles at him. Then she says "Hi. My name is Destiny. What's yours?

He smiles back and answers "George."

She leans very close to him. Her perfume fills the small distance between them. Her hair falls over her shoulders while the warmth of her body radiates to George. She licks her lips, and in a sultry voice says: "George. That's a manly name. Listen, George, I have an offer for you. I'll do anything you'd like for $100, but you have to be able to tell me what it is in just three words."

George, feeling his heart speed up and his head getting light, realizes that this is an opportunity he'll likely never get again. He leans closer to Destiny. "OK - I'll take you up on your offer."

Destiny moves even closer, practically touching George's ear with her warm, wet mouth. "What do you want me to do, George? What?"

George pauses for a moment to catch his breath. He then whisper's into Destiny's ear:

"Paint my house"

 

[thinkcooper]

As a side interest, I write jokes for Burningman. Really. I take classic bits and re-work them with a Burningman edge. They then get used by a couple of standup folks on the playa, and sometime's I'll even tell a joke or two. Problem is, I can't tell a joke. But I can write them - odd, eh?

Anyway, here are a couple I've done that go over well on the playa, but will probably leave most of you guys scratching your heads. Hopefully not from fleas.

Apologies in advance to the original anonymous authors of these gags.

 

[thinkcooper]

This one needs a little set-up. Jim Mason is a famous old-school Burningman fire artist, He built canons that shot fire in the air over 150 feet high. He created huge puppets that rose and fell accoring to stock market feeds. And he's a memeber of the Caucaphony Society, a band of pranksters that have done tricks like having a guy in a clown suit get on the subway train. Next stop, two more clowns get on, next stop, another two. And so on...

Chicken John is another prankster. Used to own a SF bar called the Odeon. He's a vaudevillian inspired circus barker that is a thorn in the side of the powers that be at Burningman.

Petite Beagle was a small dog that was kidnapped/resuced on the playa for being brought to the desert and left in her camp, by a silly owner. Rumors flew, including her being eaten.

The man in the Fedora is Larry Harvey, founder of Burningman, and enforcer of his own brand of playa sensibilities. A savior to some, an easy skewer to others, especially to the pranksters.


Anyway, the joke:



Jim Mason climbs onto into an art car bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really cool trick, will you give me a drink?" The bartender looks into Jim’s wild eyes, and agrees. Jim reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny chicken. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The chicken stretches, cracks his neck back and forth, and proceeds to peck out the blues. The bartender, tired of all the rave music, is impressed by the chicken and his choice of delta blues, so he pours Jim a frothy MaiTai.

After Jim finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you let me ride on the art car and drink the rest of the evening?" The bartender still wondering if he’s tripping following the sight of the musical chicken agrees, thinking that no feat could possibly be better than the bluesy bird. With that Jim reaches into another pocket and pulls out a tiny little Petite Beagle, who begins to sing along with the chicken's music, belting our deep soulful lyrics about being down on her luck with no food, no water, nothing but a couple of hippies from San Diego for friends.

Jim is sitting there, enjoying his fresh MaiTai, listening to the blues, when a man in a fedora sitting across the art car bar leans and offers him $1000 for the dog. "Sorry," Jim replies, "she's not for sale." The man in the hat increases the offer to $2500 cash up front. "No," Jim insists, "she's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer, this time to $2500 cash and lifetime free tickets to Burningman. Jim finally agrees, and turns the Petite Beagle over to the fedora wearing stranger in exchange for the cash and watches the laminate covered guy enter his name on a “get in free for life” list.

"Are you insane?" the bartender queried. "That singing Beagle could have been worth millions to you, and you let her go for chump change!" "Don't worry about it." Jim answered. "The Petite Beagle was really nothing special. I’ve got plenty of bacon, and besides, the chicken's a ventriloquist."

 

[Friction_Shifter]

either I'm missing something (original joke)or.....

Horse walks into a bar

Bartender asks "why the long face?"

 

[thinkcooper]

A little set-up: Marian is Larry Harvey's ex-girlfrined, and still a lovely, yet shrill persona in the Burningman scene. First camp is like the white house on the playa, it's where Larry and his royal group set-up their circle of RVs. DPW is a group of volunteers that build the event's infrastructure.

Contrary to popular belief, there is law enforcement at the event, including Burningman's own staff, Pershing County Sheriffs, and federal BLM rangers with night vision goggles, bullet-proof vests and art car sting operations.

Now the joke:


It's about 4am. Larry and Marian were driving their art car back to first camp after a BORG2 party and Larry got pulled over by the BLM Rangers. The SWAT-prepped Ranger eagerly steps out of his hulking SUV and tells Larry that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. Larry said, "I'm very sorry Ranger, I didn't realize it was out, I'll have the DPW fix it right away."

Just then Marian says, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago that you shouldn’t trust the dopes at DPW to mess around with your art car."

The Ranger gets a little amped, it was a tough Friday night on the playa, so he asked for Larry's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

Larry apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in default world. The Ranger looked up at Larry, scowling and fed up with this on-playa gibberish.

Marian blurts out, "I told you two weeks ago that the state sent you a letter saying that your license had expired. But noooo, you were too busy with all your grand plans to listen."

By now, as you’d expect, Larry is really pissed at Marian belittling and contradicting him in front of the Ranger, and he screeches in a loud angry voice, "Marian, SHUT THE **** UP!"

The officer then leaned over toward Marian and asked. "Does your friend Larry always talk to you like that?"

Marian gruffly muttered, "Only when he's tripping."

 

[thinkcooper]

Setup time. Jiffy Lube is a camp of gay guys that do all they can to lure in young, high straight guys and indulge them with some ****-erotic pleasure that they wouldn't otherwise ever think of doing...

Gerlach is the little town outside of the event.

Now the foul joke:

A couple of days after Burning Man, one of the Jiffy Lube guys who’d been helping cleanup camp after the crowd left, walks into the Gerlach clinic and asks "I’m feeling weak, light headed, and totally constipated. Can you help me out Doc?”

The overworked, and old fashioned country Doctor was volunteering at the clinic. When he’d agreed to relieve the weary staffers after Burning man, he had no idea how many oddball cases he was going to encounter; thankfully this one seemed pretty normal. Dehydration was his first guess.

The Doc examined the young male patient, who appeared strong, tan and in good health, a little dusty, but healthy. His heart sounded strong, blood pressure was normal, weight was fine as well. For the constipation, the Doctor told his patient he was going to do a routine rectal exam.

He asked the patient to pull down his trousers and bend over. Snapping on his gloves, the Doctor started to insert his finger in the patient’s rectum, and immediately encountered a foreign object. “Hmmm, young man, we’ll have this figured out in a minute, but you’ll have to bear with me, I think I found the cause of your constipation.” The patient obliged, telling the Doctor that he’d hadn’t been able to clear himself since passing out after a night long party a week ago. The Doc raised his eyebrows disapprovingly at such extreme behavior.

The Doctor picked up stainless steel forceps, inserted ‘em into the patient's ass and clamped onto the foreign object. With a little tug, out came a big dill pickle. “Son, I think we’ve solved the problem.” Just to be sure he inserted the forceps again, and to his surprise hit a second object. The Doc grabbed it. With another quick tug, out came a hunk of provolone cheese. The Doctor was shocked. He repeated the process, and again, tugged out another object, a fat Genoa salami. The disgusted Doctor entered the patient once again, this time finding and pulling out a loaf of French bread.

The patient, wanting an update, asked “Doc! What’s the matter with me?”

The Doc looked the patient in the eyes and replied, “Well, your diet’s certainly well balanced... you just seem to be eating it all wrong!”

 

[thinkcooper]

Petite Beagle is a common theme. Desiri is the woman that lost the dog, only to get it back motnhs later.

Das Joke:

Desiri walks into the Whisky and Wh0res bar with her Petite Beagle, yeah, the one named BLONDIE with a dime shaped spot on her forehead, and sits down next to this green faced, queasy-looking drunken frat boy. After a few non-rave tunes blast out of the bar’s speakers, the drunk frat guy looks at Desiri, heaves like salted slug and blows chunks on the ground below. He looks down and sees BLONDIE the Petite Beagle struggling in a pool of vomit, trying to shake off the sop and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating bacon!"

 

[filtersweep]

I think Thinkcooper has graduated to the top of my list of RBRers I'd like to share a...um... <ahem> "drink" with...

 

[thinkcooper]

I think Thinkcooper has graduated to the top of my list of RBRers I'd like to share a...um... <ahem> "drink" with...

I used to be funny.

 

[Bocephus Jones II]

I used to be funny.

I used to be a contendah!

 

[lousylegs]

I used to be funny.

Coop, I think you got a future writing for Jerry Seinfeld.

 

[thinkcooper]

Coop, I think you got a future writing for Jerry Seinfeld.

There's only two rules for writing comedy.

1. There are no new jokes.
2. You can make an old joke better by using more words with "P's" and "K's".

 

[lousylegs]

There's only two rules for writing comedy.

1. There are no new jokes.
2. You can make an old joke better by using more words with "P's" and "K's".

So:

K Porse kalks pnto k par, khe partender kays: "Phy khe pong kace?"

 

[thinkcooper]

So:

K Porse kalks pnto k par, khe partender kays: "Phy khe pong kace?"

LOL.

See, I told you so.

 

[real stonie]

So a cowboy is trying to locate a food source on the prairie.....having no luck. An indian chief asks the cowboy if he could help. Cowboy says sure.

The indian puts his ear to the earth and says "Buffalo Come."

The cowboy is energized by the report and asks "How do you know?"

The indian replies "Ground Sticky."

 

[jgrantv10]

Not Jokes per se

But clever and amusing.

The Washington Post holds a yearly neologism contest, for which readers supply alternate meanings for common words, and publishes the winning submissions.

The winners follow:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxershorts worn by Jewish
men.

 

[funknuggets]

wait, where does Chicken John come into the mix?

 

[thinkcooper]

wait, where does Chicken John come into the mix?

Now that's PRO timing.

We all just call him... chicken.

 

[Gripped]

Q: What the Somalian pirate say to the Etheopian pirate?
A: Did you get Djibouti?

Q: What would happen if L. Ron Hubbard flew to Djibouti?
A: His arms would get tired.

Q: What did the Somalian pilot say to the Etheopian pilot?
A: Did you see L. Ron Hubbard?


Note: I started telling this joke trinity before Mr. Hubbard's death.

 

[thinkcooper]

Note: I started telling this joke trinity before Mr. Hubbard's death.

Did you hear about the religion that Barney's brother L. Ron Rubble started?

It's called the Church of Sedimentology.